Silence
by Dakota Grayson
Summary: Sometimes Sam wondered if he was really awake or if he was in an endless nightmare, to suffer on his own. He finds himself alone in a field just thinking about how much of an abomination he was.


Sam sat in silence, watching the stars above with tears in his eyes. So much had happened, so much he couldn't stop and things he couldn't even begin to explain. His body had countless scars from battles he didn't dare speak of to anyone, not even his brother. No chick-flick moments allowed after all. Feelings were left outside, never to be spoken of to another. His whole life had been that way, countless nightmares, one after another playing in sleep, in reality.

Sometimes he wondered if he was really awake or if he was in an endless nightmare, to suffer on his own. His heart ached and he longed for a confidant. The beings around him, human or not did not want to talk, at least not to him.

The tears in his eyes flowed over, silently rolling down his cheeks as he watched the stars stay bright. The moon hung low and large and in the field he was in, the sky was vast, it seemed never ending. Kansas. Somewhere in the flat state of Kansas he sat in a field, alone, crying silent tears and wishing for a shooting star.

At his own foolishness he laughed a silent laugh and wished everything was simpler. Simple enough to wish on a shooting star and the warm body he wished to be holding him close would just appear behind him and wrap loving arms around him and hold him, even if he was much larger and hard to hold close.

How could that person, that being love him after all he'd done? After everything, he felt the resentment when he entered the room, like everyone hated him for what he'd done, what he could and couldn't control.

And why not be a vessel to Lucifer, and why not let the world end? Why not stay in the depths of hell and rot as he rotted on Earth? Why not light himself aflame and pretend to be in hell as he burned alive?

He didn't wipe the tears away as they seemed to grow larger, he didn't look away from the stars that seemed to be so constant, even if they'd been dead a million years. He could allow himself to pretend they were all still very alive and shining bright in their own part of the vast night sky. It was so easy to pretend that something you could really see was still there, but everything else, his life that had fallen apart so quickly, he couldn't pretend that it was still worth living.

The night was still, silent, not an animal calling out or wind to rush through the grass, the dead crop around him. The silence was deafening when the life he lived was so loud. Screams and cries of people, want and need to survive even when there was no hope to continue on. Would he rather be deaf than hear those cries? Would he rather be blind than see the agony on the faces of so many in so many places?

He would rather be dead.

Could he accomplish that? Death was easy, but some beings could make it much more difficult than he'd like. Those same beings had made life much more difficult than he'd like, what was the difference?

Finally Sam made a noise, a loud sob escaped his lips and he bowed his head, covering his eyes with one hand. His sobs softened a little but the gasps for breath and soft cries of heartbreaking agony escaping his throat filled the air. His shoulders were shaking and he just couldn't stop, thoughts of one of those beings filled his mind, images of his vessel's face, the beauty that he saw every time he saw him.

Every time he saw him he was so easily ignored, the obvious choice was Dean. Always Dean to talk to, Dean to follow, DEAN. Why did he feel this way and why couldn't he just make it STOP?

A gentle coldness washed over Sam and strong arms circled around him. His sobs picked up again, he was beyond cracked, he was broken. Soft, silent breath tickled the back of his neck and he wondered if he was imagining such a thing, he didn't dare speak or look to see if someone was really standing behind him, holding him.

He sat there for a long time, just wondering without really thinking. The body behind him, holding him was small, smaller than Dean not that Dean would hold Sam and try to comfort him like this.

"I'm real." The man's gravely voice finally broke through Sam's softening sobs and hiccups.

Sam let his hand fall from his eyes, "did something happen?" He asked softly. He didn't pretend like he wasn't crying, nor try to hide the sadness in his voice.

"I felt your agony and wanted to stop the pain."

Sam shook his head, "you wouldn't know how."

"Isn't this what you wished for?" The man's gravely voice went up a little in question and confusion.

Sam tensed a little and shook his head again, "what I wished for...was more than this." He still hadn't looked back to see if the man was real.

"You wished for love."

Sam sighed softly, "I wished for the impossible."

The man's arms tightened around him and he moved down to his knees behind Sam, leaning on the taller male's back slightly, "it's not impossible for me to love you." Sam shook his head at that, "it's not, Sam. It's not impossible for me to be in love with you."

"Cas..." Sam whispered. His voice held surprise as he breathed out the Angel's nickname.

Castiel pressed his face against Sam's neck and smiled against his warm skin, "and it's not as difficult as you think for me to hold you like this." Castiel's vessel was only 5'11" but he knew how to work with what he had.

"Do you really love me?" Sam asked softly, leaning against Castiel slightly.

"Yes." Castiel breathed out against Sam's neck, "I really love you."

Sam smiled a small smile, "I believe you."

"I would not lie to you, Sam." Castiel spoke softly. "You should not blame yourself for everything, okay?"

"It's hard not to." Sam sighed and his body sagged a little.

Castiel thought for a few moments, then removed himself from Sam's back and moved to his front. He crouched down and looked at Sam's lowered face and placed two fingers under his chin to raise it, "Sam." Sam looked up, his eyes like open doors, his face wet and red with shame. "Would it be okay to kiss you?"

Sam's eyes widened a little and he nodded lightly, he wasn't sure if it would be okay in the long run, but he wanted Castiel to kiss him.

Castiel pushed Sam to his back and leaned over him for a moment before settling between the hunter's legs and laying on him, he pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips. "This is okay?"

Sam nodded and leaned up to continue kissing the Angel, like something inside him couldn't get enough of the Angel's vessel's lips. "Is this okay, Cas?" He asked after a moment, "for you, for Jimmy?"

Castiel nodded, "it is okay, I can do as I please in this vessel." He seemed to be waging a small war within himself after speaking and his eyes darkened, "I have been given permission to follow my wants and needs as they come in this vessel." Sam tilted his head a little then nodded, it was a little hard to digest but he understood that Jimmy had willingly given his body to Castiel and Castiel was able to do as he pleased. "It's okay for me, too, love in the eyes of Angels has no gender. Love is love and true, the body parts we may have do not change our souls and how they connect."

Sam blushed as the last words left Castiel's mouth, "connect..." he repeated softly. He licked his lips and looked into Castiel's darkened eyes. "Cas..." He could feel the vessel's hardening cock against his thigh.

Castiel didn't seem shy or ashamed by what was happening. He closed his eyes as he gently pushed against Sam's leg, "Sam," the hunter's name slipped from between his parted lips, "is this okay?" The Angel didn't want to overstep any boundaries the human may have, love and sex were completely different things after all.

"Yes..." Sam's voice was a low and needy whisper, like he was sure and like he needed something to connect to because he felt so unconnected to everything and everyone around him.

Castiel smiled at the response and pushed his hand between their bodies in an attempt to locate the human's cock, when he found it still soft he frowned, maybe he should feel ashamed for being turned on when Sam was so unhappy. He rubbed against the fabric with a gentle pressure, "are you sure this is okay?" He didn't comment about Sam's softness, lest he embarrass or upset the very person he was trying to make fly.

Sam nodded and pushed his hips up a little, the friction was good and he was sure if Cas didn't give up on him in the next few minutes, he'd be hard too. He thought about the situation and how it seemed like Cas should not know anything about what he was doing.

"Do not worry," Castiel spoke softly, "it will come naturally to me." He spoke like he knew exactly what was going on in Sam's head and maybe he did. "You do want me to be in control, am I correct?"

Sam nodded and sighed softly in pleasure, the way Castiel was rubbing him through his pants proved that he wasn't lying about it coming naturally to him. The Angel carefully maneuvered his way into Sam's jeans and when skin met skin the hunter groaned, "Cas..." the way he spoke sounded like the hiss of a snake and for a mere second the Angel froze. The moment was barely noticeable and if it was Sam hadn't spoken up. Castiel eased Sam out of his clothes and when Sam leaned up he let the hunter push his clothes off.

They worked in silence, touching, kissing, Castiel making sure Sam's body was ready for the new experience. They were slow and gentle, showing each other love and respect as their bodies became warmer. When Sam's body seemed ready the met up in a heated kiss, eyes closed, when parted their eyes locked and passion sparked between them. Castiel pushed slowly into Sam's waiting body and rocked carefully as the hunter got used to the feeling. When neither could take the slow pace they began meeting in quicker thrusts against each other, rougher, gripping each other tightly, gasps and soft moans leaving parted lips.

And when Sam finally lost himself, back arched, the soft cry of pleasure that sounded both relieved and sad, eyes closed tightly, Castiel thought maybe Sam was more beautiful than any Angel he'd ever seen. And when Castiel lost himself, Sam watched in awe of a beauty human eyes should not witness, lest they go blind. The sight was incredibly bright, like a falling star landing in his lap. He wasn't sure if it was real or if he was imagining it.

When Castiel calmed his breathing and moved away from Sam's body, Sam felt lost and scared, however the Angel was only retrieving the trench coat he never seemed to take off, to cover them. Cas pressed his body to Sam's side and held him close, giving Sam the feeling of connection without truly being connected. "I will not let you feel like that again, please think of my love for you if you begin to feel sad." Cas whispered as he looked into Sam's eyes.

Sam smiled and looked into Castiel's sweet blue eyes, "I love you, Cas."

Castiel mirrored Sam's smile, "I love you, too." He laid his head on Sam's chest and let out a soft sigh of his happiness. Everything may not have been perfect, bad things may have been happening everywhere, but in the moment Sam was happy and that was enough for the night. "If you want to sleep, I will watch over you."

"Okay." Sam spoke softly and closed his eyes. Silence filled the air again, a calm silence that didn't deafen Sam or leave him wishing he were dead. The wind seemed to pick up from the south bringing a warm breeze, the white noise of the wind helped lull Sam into a calm sleep while Castiel, his brother's Angel, his Angel watched over him.


End file.
